They will be on umusic.co.nz when those guys go live, but in the meantime they’re running on the umusic facebook.

Click here for episode one

Click here for episode two

Jolly good.

Dunc

Ladies and gentlemen – your 2010 New Zealand’s Next Top Model Champion – Danielle Hayes. Now that it’s over, I can appreciate her for what she is – the one thing which stood between boredom factory Michaela Steenkamp and the title. For that alone she deserves all the good stuff that’s coming to her.

Actually that’s not entirely fair – there’s more to her than just that-girl-which-stopped-Michaela-winning. She was accurately described by Chris Sisarich (I know! But it’s true!) as having a very global look. As if the entire world had sex with each other at the same time but only had one love child. In a good way, obviously. I genuinely feel like if anyone has a shot at being a real, bonafide working international model it’s Danielle. She just has that attitude, she’s tough and funny and cool, and it will play well overseas. When she was announced as the winner the 10 or so people at my house all shrieked like they’d been electrocuted. I don’t think it was because they’d been Danielle fans all season, but more because they felt like she was someone they could relate to, a real human rather than some weird TV droid. But, as pretty a picture as she takes, it’s hard to avoid the elephant in the room – that Danielle Hayes did not by any fair evaluation win New Zealand’s Next Top Model.You all know why. You all saw it. She completely f***ed out the finale. She was just this side of killing a man or setting fire to her hair in the don’t-give-me-the-prize stakes. It might have been the worst clutch performance of all time by a New Zealander. Including the All Blacks in the last five World Cups.The Cover Girl commercial alone was completely unfathomable.

Michaela pulls out the most jaw-dropping turn around in piece-to-camera skill you could ever imagine, going from a weird, discombobulated mess during the charity shoot to flirting outrageously a few weeks later (more on the potential source of that transformation later). Danielle, on the other hand, cannot even speak her lines without her voice quavering like a 16-year-old in a liquor store. She is surly and wooden to the camera, and if there were any justice she would have lost the comp there and then. As it was they dropped Elza after a perfectly reasonable performance because she ‘can’t take a good photo’.

That is a patently ludicrous suggestion which is in no way supported by the evidence. It also directly contradicts what the judges had been saying throughout the season. The only reason you’d trot out something so transparently false was that you had already made up your mind that Danielle was going to win. I think they’d sent Michaela to the finale as a patsy, someone who would lie down and make way for a grand clash between Elza and Danielle – two great models with different strengths and weaknesses. Woulda been a good fight, I reckon. But when Michaela turned out a pair of all time great performances they were in a bind – do we stay true to the nominal spirit of our competition, or do we just barrel on with the plan anyway?

They chose the latter, and while I’m pleased they did, it does put us in a bit of a quandary for next season. Because if you’ll allow someone to stutter and stumble through the finale (Danielle’s performance at the Wearable Arts thing resembled nothing so much as a dude halfway through a bag of solvents trying halfheartedly to remain upright) then… why have a finale in the first place?

Ultimately, they just decided that even though Michaela torched Danielle in every category through the finale, she couldn’t be allowed the win. How is that not a bigger story? two reasons, I guess. Firstly, this is reality tv, and there’s no real process. I get that, obviously. I guess the thing I’m surprised by is that we all, as a nation, wanted Danielle to win, and were so indifferent to Michaela, that we just let it slide.

As I say, I’m cool with it. Better decision for the franchise’s international rep, more fun and personality, and a wrinkle of controversy doesn’t hurt either. But I do think it’ll pose a real problem when cycle three comes round. Because, as much fun as this all was, there’s no real credibility when you’ll give Danielle a pass for her performance in the final.

A few other points before I sign off until next season:

- Paul Henry must’ve been pretty gutted by the final line up: a South African, a Maori, and a ginge. Where were the real New Zealanders? Need some more bald white dudes in this comp, stat.

- On a very slightly more serious note: where were the Aucklanders? When Holly (who I completely forgot even existed until I researched this – sad aye?) was booted out in episode seven she exited as the last remaining Aucklander. This is unacceptable, Auckland. As a supercity of 1.4m people we should be able to get someone into the nation’s top six hotties. Sort it out for next time, OK?

- Is it just me or did CMJ’s snide “ask Chris” feel a bit weird? It came up when the judges were discussing what had ‘come over’ Michaela to make her glow so in this episode (effectively making their jobs a bunch more difficult). Was he implying that Sisarich had impregnated her with his babies? I’m going to start reading the birth notices just in case there’s a Michristoper Steenarich listed in there somewhere.

- Did anyone else notice that Danielle has a normal wheelie fabric suitcasey thing? That just doesn’t seem right. I want there to be some spontaneous campaign to buy her something as weird as she is. Maybe a hollowed out raccoon (I’ll get Durv to ask the Ferndale taxidermy club to get onto the ‘case’), or a medium size vase from the Ming dynasty. She just shouldn’t use the same suitcase as the rest of us.

- One more thing on the farcical finale – didja notice how Michaela’s outfit was heavy and massive and obscured her batty, while Danielle’s was light and compact and gave her total freedom of movement? Just sayin’ – total orchestrated conspiracy.

- I think Niki raised a good point last week regarding my going easy on Sara. She is ferociously bland, and reminded me way too much of Suzanne Paul in the last ep – though more for her face than jazzy personality. I wouldn’t be surprised if they just gonged her for the next season. My suggestion would be to move CMJ up into the big chair. Think about it: he’s so damn Tyra it’s not funny – outrageous, tough-but-tender, really experienced, brown, crazy eyes… Then replace him with Francis Hooper, who was so odd and cantankerous that we’d have that mean, weird judge the girls would all be terrified of. Seriously TV3. Do it. You’ve probably only got one more cycle anyway, right – three’s all NZ Idol got through – why not go out with a big strange bang?

- OK. I think that’s me. This was fun – thanks for commenting and ‘like’-ing. Really felt like we had a good thing going. See you all next time.

- Duncan

http://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F6586063&secret_url=falseDeadCast: NZNTM Finale Review by Deadball

And then there were three. If I was saddened and embittered by Dakota’s elimination last week then Courtenay’s departure left me completely dumbfounded. She definitely had a soft episode, but I’m starting to suspect some grand conspiracy to hustle Michaela to the finale. She has never at any point looked like the winner, whereas Courtenay had poise, a walk, a variety of different facial expressions… all that modelly stuff that those who make it to the finale tend to possess. For her to come crashing down because she can’t read a map seems rather cruel.

But life is cruel, and the designers were unremittingly cruel in their assessments of her. When she slipped up at World and “when I become a model” fell out of her pretty little mouth the writing was on the wall, and if you want metaphors for this episode’s performance you only had to watch her ask her driver to pull over on the motorway. Her campaign had been slick and well directed, but as soon as reality (or as close to that substance as you’ll get on this show) bit, in the form of actual clients and deadlines, she was done.

Aside from that the highs came from Ford. And by ‘highs’ I mean the kind of brain-meltingly stupid moments that makes this show so great. Like the super-dated, incredibly embarassing graffitti-d Fiestas for the mods to get around in. Or their marketing manager sounding exactly like David Brent at his most over-weaningly desperate-to-be-liked. Or the fact that never in the hsitory of brand-personality alliances has their been a less well-matched pairing than Ford and Danielle. Watching that one flame out will be a good time. Rankings:

1. (LW: 2) Danielle

Who else? Seriously, that might have been the single most dominant performance in one episode in the long and storied history of this fine program – eclipsing such classics as Hosanna vs America and Elza going to fashion school. Danielle got ticks for both runway and photo shoot from everyone bar the sportswear people. She had double the ticks of the opposition combined. It was truly devastating, and she’s gone from that-feral-hick-who-takes-great-pics to the unquestioned favourite for the title in a few short weeks. But it was her confidence that did it for me. “They love me,” she cackled delightedly at one point, and they really did. Every designer lavished praise on her, and seeing her unleashed, outside the artificial confines of the NZNTM-verse it all makes sense. She is the real deal, and those bookers can smell that stink a mile away. When she whipped open the curtain at World it was the mark of a woman with a flair for the dramatic, and she made even quirk-machine Elza look meek and mild by comparison. Plus she had the unmistakeable swagger of a champion, that give-me-the Goddamn-ball (© Andy Morton by way of Tom Hanks) attitude which spells DANGER for all concerned: “I’m home. Get this shit on me,” she said of the basketball shoot. Right now, baring a severe mishap, she is riding this thing home in two days time.

2. (LW: 3) Elza

I’m really, really sorry about the quality of the images this week. My sister-in-law house-sat for us and soiled herself very badly by deleting the crystal clear hi-def version from our MySky, leaving the shoddy On Demand version as my visual ref for this week. Aside from that, you’ll notice that even when dressed as Katy Perry Elza looks strange and mercurial. No mean feat, as when Katy Perry is dressed as Katy Perry she looks like a medium-sized plastic bag of syphillis flavoured M&Ms. But yeah, Elza disappointed a bit this week. I thought 27 Names would be jumping her bones, but they stood stony-faced and immune to her charms. World was similarly unmoved, damning her with the faint praise of a runway booking, while even Sable + Minx, whose gothy vibez seem custom built for an Elza-type, could only manage a shrug. I think two factors stand in her way. Firstly, when we see Elza, we imagine her with Nellie alongside and it’s fucking magic. The bookers (at least right now, with Nellie watching on teevee) don’t have that benefit. Secondly, we love her because of her funny, quasi-mystical ways and ridiculous positivity and politeness which somehow doesn’t grate or seem ingenuine. Whereas the bookers just see some happy, dippy redhead – they don’t have time to get familiar with the real Elza. So this episode played away from her strengths. The finale may not – she still takes some gorgeous pictures, and has the best screwed-on head of anyone in the comp’s history. She had an OK ep – heaps of people would have grown sick with bitterness after Michaela’s cheap trick to push in ahead of her, and basketball (feat CJ Bruton! and, um, Pauly Henare) definitely isn’t her strong suit – I thought she expressed it well in saying “I have the height, but I don’t necessarily have the coordination.” Next week we find out if she has the stomach to stand in front of a raging Danielle and turn this procession into a real dogfight. My gut says no, but with elements as mismatched and volatile as Danielle and Elza nothing is certain.

3 (LW: 4) Michaela

DeadBall’s resident statistician pointed out to me that this is the first time one model’s been on the bottom four weeks in a row*. That could indicate one of two things: either Michaela’s secretly amazing and I’ve been wrong the whole time, or there’s been a whole shipping container full of bad judging dropped on the show. After extensive research I have in fact determined that it’s bad, bad, awful, shithouse judging that’s the problem. She straight up shouldn’t be here. Tentative, emotionally stunted, cry-y,one face – you all know the reasons. Yet they give her best photo! The photo was pretty good, I suppose, but nothing to fill your pants about. I can picture right now every other photo from this week in my head, but Michaela’s is a blank. Fundamentally I just cannot for one moment buy into any argument which suggests that she has a chance on Friday. Which makes it a two horse race. A shame, because it needn’t have been, and they’ve seriously devalued the anticipation with having someone who barely scraped into the top eight make the final. Bloody MacIntyre system! This week’s performance was another perfunctory effort, lowlighted by that stunt she pulled on Elza. “I pushed in front of her and it was kinda rude. But oh well!” cue cutesy smile. NOT CUTE. Just a bit of a lame, immature, bullying thing to do. Very Michaelavellian, really (so sorry). Before the shoot she had the 38th breakdown of the season, and somehow pulled it together. Felt staged to me. Maybe I’m being too hard on her, but I just have felt NOTHING for Michaela for weeks now, and this episode did nothing to rescusitate my fandom. Next week – comeuppance. And a post-series wrap up of some description, mainly because once that’s done deadball will go back to being an unpopular sports blog again, and I’m just kinda delaying that moment.

- Duncan

* Fact not checked, because DeadBall doesn’t have a resident statistician. Obviously.

http://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F6294359%3Fsecret_token%3Ds-wOVyw&secret_url=false DeadCast: BALLS! 033 ft NBA Season Preview, NZ Breakers LIVE & Rugby League Four Nations by Deadball

On Sunday night the All Blacks selectors confirmed what even my Mum could have told you – that league convert Sonny Bill Williams would be taken on the end of year tour, the defacto dress rehearsal for next year’s Rugby World Cup.

I mean, why in God’s name would you bring the guy back from France, pay him what apparently makes him the third highest earning rugby player in the country (after McCaw and Carter), and leave him to languish in the ITM Cup with the RWC less than a year away? Why would you ignore his potential as a brand, with the game increasingly competing for our entertainment dollar against league, and increasingly, soccer? And perhaps most importantly – why would you ignore his awesome, awesome potential as a matchwinning gamebreaker?

Apart from an injury impacted start (and a poor decision concerning a ski trip), SBW has been really quite spectacular forCanterbury. He is phenomenally strong, has an almost unbelievable ability to draw defenders and offload in contact, and perhaps most importantly he has improved with each passing week. He perhaps still struggles a little operating within Union’s defensive patterns, but surely there is no better place or time for him to work on his defense than in the All Black team environment?

One must feel a little for his Cantabs midfield partner Robbie Fruean, whose form has been every bit as commanding as SBW’s, but has not been selected – his number may actually have been up when SBW operated reasonably effectively in the 13 jersey, and with the coaches instead opting to place their faith in the returning, already test-proven Isaia Toeava. In fact, Sonny Bill aside, this must be the most experienced All Blacks squad ever selected, with no fewer than 12 players boasting more than 40 caps apiece.

Which means no place for either of 2010’s backup first fives, Colin Slade or Aaron Cruden, with the poisoned chalice of being Daniel Carter’s backup returned to 2009’s most vilified performer, Stephen Donald. Whilst Donald has turned on three outstanding, matchwinning performances on the trot for Waikato, he is yet to convince at international level – if he can do so on this trip (especially with Carter in doubt for the Bledisloe game in Hong Kong on the way), it is a terrific selection – if he again looks jittery and inept, a golden opportunity to advance the credentials and experience of, say, Slade has been utterly wasted.

Saturday evening’s sickening injury to the versatile, assured Piri Weepu also had to be factored in – without him, the All Blacks are without their most dynamic halfback, an accomplished goalkicker, a leader, and a definite additional option at first five. With his broken leg taking him out of the game for up to six months, the selectors will have ample opportunity to check their halfback stocks, with Alby Mathewson and Andy Ellis being the beneficiaries of Weepu’s misfortune. Conversely, it may be Cowan who ends up feeling the heat if Mathewson and Ellis end up being a better fit for the AB’s high velocity gameplan…

Other noteworthy selections and omissions include Sevens captain Liam Messam getting the nod in place of Victor Vito, who has clearly been given some work-ons after his game in Sydney, where it took Jerome Kaino coming off the bench in his place to sure things up and help effect the victory – if the selectors are looking for a loose forward who plays a little ‘tighter’, however, I’m not entirely sure Messam is their guy. Daniel Braid earns a place as McCaw’s backup on the back of some outstanding form for Auckland since returning from Queensland, and together with 2010’s biggest mover, number eight Kieran Read, they make up a loose forward quintet that strongly suggests McCaw may be spending some time on the blindside.

My other significant concern would be the number of players going on tour on the back of little or no game time – Carter, Mealamu, Hore, Sivivatu, Donald and Toeava are all touring despite coming off some serious injuries. If Mealamu and Hore were unfit for the Hong Kong match, the uncapped Hikawera Elliott would have to start at hooker, with front row ‘jack of all trades’ (fill in the blank) John Afoa backing him up, and similarly, if Carter were not ready for that match, Donald would start with, presumably, someone like Toeava as his cover. Worrying, and again, evidence of what a significant loss Weepu is.

The All Blacks squad (with province and Test caps in brackets) is:

Forwards:
John Afoa                        Auckland (25)
Anthony Boric                 North Harbour (16)
Daniel Braid                    Auckland (4)
Tom Donnelly                 Otago (13)
Hikawera Elliot                Hawkes Bay (0)
Ben Franks                      Tasman (7)
Owen Franks                  Canterbury (17)
Andrew Hore                   Taranaki (47)
Jerome Kaino                 Auckland (33)
Richie McCaw (capt)     Canterbury (89)
Keven Mealamu             Auckland (80)
Liam Messam                 Waikato (5)
Kieran Read                    Canterbury (25)
Brad Thorn                      Canterbury (46)
Samuel Whitelock          Canterbury (8)
Tony Woodcock              North Harbour (69)
Backs:
Andy Ellis                      Canterbury (14)
Daniel Carter                Canterbury (74)
Jimmy Cowan              Southland (41)
Stephen Donald           Waikato (19)
Hosea Gear                   Wellington (2)
Cory Jane                      Wellington (20)
Alby Mathewson          Wellington (1)
Mils Muliaina                Waikato (89)
Maa Nonu                    Wellington (52)
Josevata Rokocoko     Auckland (66)
Sitiveni Sivivatu           Waikato (43)
Conrad Smith               Wellington (41)
Isaia Toeava                  Auckland (26)
Sonny Bill Williams     Canterbury *
* new All Black

- Jeremy Taylor

“I knew there was no constellation prize,” said Dakota after losing the charity challenge, and on her way to an inevitable, intense elimination. Her star had finally fallen, and even given the spectacular loathing for her that exists around the country, I think few could deny that the girl wanted it more than anyone else on the show. Compared to the emotion shown by previous evictees – which was more on the level of getting to McDonald’s drive thru at 10.35 when you wanted a McMuffin – Dakota was convinced that she had been thrown straight onto the human garbage heap, and high class hooker was her ceiling. I happen to think that with some of her wilder impulses toned down she could well become a Nightline reporter or children’s TV presenter. Sure, we’re talking a few years of humanity integration, but she can penetrate the camera and her enthusiasm, when channeled in the right direction, is very infectious. Either way, putting her and Elza, the co-winners of the first challenge, in the bottom two was really poor form, and I think the judges kicked her out at least a round too early from an entertainment perspective.

All that being said, it was a terrific episode, almost making up for the debacle in Phuket. Things didn’t start well, with that atrocious Nivea informercial chewing through the early minutes. You know you’re watching bad TV when the highlight is two pretty teenage girls complaining about stress pimples. But the charity thing was a genius concept, which a couple of the girls totally nailed, and the shoot was fun, though perhaps not the best way of showing their strengths as models to probably the most qualified judge we’re likely to see this cycle. Regardless, I had a fine old time on Friday, and if my fave reality TV villain of recent times had to go, at least she slung a few arrows and threatened to stab someone along the way. Rankings:

1. (LW: 2) Courtenay

This really feels like a reach (like Bargnani in the third, but nothing can be done about that now), so let me explain myself. She got photo of the day and totally deserved it. Despite an inkling that anyone would look good under all that alien cake (though I would probably have batty issues), Courtenay seemed to embrace the enterprise more wholeheartedly than any of the others, who seemed to get a bit psyched out by being 100% nude around Sisarich. Fair enough. But Courtenay, for all her Christianity-as-a-crutch has seemed most comfortable with her own body throughout – she comfortably won the lingerie-inna-church challenge too, remember – and that’s enough to get her over the line here. Which is not because she totally devastated the field, but more because she screwed up the least in a week of very average performances all round. As fine as her photo was, I still can’t get over how unpleasant her invocation of Nia Glassie and the Kahui twins’ memory was. It’s a freaking modeling competition. Sweet cause sure, but when you’re trying to get yourself a f***ing Ford Fiesta (very limp enthusiasm for that prize from the mods, I thought) raising the spectre of dead children to get yourself a W seems a little, I don’t know, horrid? She then delivered it in a terrifying monotone, and only scraped into the top three of that segment by virtue of everyone else being so rubbish. So here she sits, but less on her own merit than on a slightly lower number of demerits.

2. (LW: 1) Danielle

Bad week for Danielle. I mean, a real stinker. I’m getting more and more irritated by the way this can frequently feel like a slo-mo coronation for her. Because as much as she’s a different girl to the one who skulked indifferently onto set a couple of months back, she still petulantly refuses to even try anything which might expose her as lacking a particular skill. So she makes the glibbest attempt at creating a charity – eco houses, which I’m pretty sure is actually a business – then doesn’t bother to present it. But she didn’t have to worry about the judges raining down on her, because, well, they never have before, so why start now? And I hate to sound like some kind of remonstrating, tut-tut-ing parent here, but the whole reason she doesn’t bother trying in challenges that play away from her strengths (anything that doesn’t involve a camera, basically) is because the judges have never once called her to account. This has consequences. Because in the final, she’s going to royally screw something up through lack of effort, and they’ll either have to give her the prize against all logic, or give it to someone else because they’ve carried her through on some weird coming-from-a-small-town-is-such-a-handicap-she-deserves-our-patronising-city-folk-affirmative-action shit. It’s a big problem, and will only become more apparent over the next couple of eps. Anyway, that aside she said some cool shit, perceptively noting that one of Dakota’s defense mechinisms is to try and “find your weakest points, then she’ll pick at you until she takes you down.” Well spotted. Maybe that’s because DAKOTA WAS ACTUALLY TRYING TO WIN. Sheesh. Also she thought Christobelle (very flat, I thought, though taller than I recalled – maybe she’s had leg extensions?) was “a real cool chick”. Which is somewhat surprising. I always like to know what the stars are like in real life.

3. (LW: 3) Elza

For the love of God, make it stop. This whole fragility thing with Elza is a total crock. I’m not buying what they’re selling. She had a cry because she was talking about bullying on national TV at the age of 18. Well, who the fuck wouldn’t? Maybe y’all should have paid more attention to the fact that she A) made a super duper cool charity, B) drew an amazing logo/brand thingo (I want to buy it at a charity auction – can that be arranged?), and C) caned the delivery.

Where’s the problem? I mean, the photo was whatevs, but can you actually read anything into that ludicrous shoot? Call me crazy, but I feel like a model could quite comfortably say to her agent “I’ll do anything, but I’m not into that nude sci-fi airbrush crap OK? Straight up, not my deal.” and that would be fine and non-career threatening. I also enjoyed how deeply cynical she looked about the infomercial at the start. I’m projecting all this shit onto her, I know, but in my head she’s part of this Dunedin anti-commercial, cynical-about-all-government, back-to-the-land survivalist culture. Like she’s friends with Matt Middleton on facebook (which I must have mentioned before), but I reckon it’s more for his extreme leftist conspiracy-theorist political views than his music. That will come later. But yeah, she’s strange, and prone to doing awesome shit like crying when she gets a wad of twenties in an envelope (anyone else think they handed over Sisarich’s coke money to her by mistake and then covered it up by saying it was a prize?), and when listing great redheads she said “even chickens – my favourite”. The girl is deeply dippy, and I’m into it. As long as the behind-the-scenes machinations don’t continue to have her on a downward curve then I think there’s every chance she can take the thing home.

4. (LW: 5) Michaela

Kidding! Michaela is stunning. She’s maybe the most conventionally beautiful girl left on the show. She seems like a nice person. She’s devoted to her family, and God, and the memory of her Nana. She cares about poverty in Africa. All this is great. But this is TV, so here come the knives. Firstly, no one in the known universe thinks she has the remotest chance of winning. Too conventional, only one look, a bit drippy. With that being an immutable truth, her continued presence is a real head-scratcher. The producers want to have us enjoy the final couple of eps, right? At least I hope they do. So why send home an equally talented entertainment machine and keep the meek and mild Michaela? It’s just a big, glaring error. And while I might have climbed down from the very, very high horse that had me throwing down my notepad on Friday and declaring that I was never again watching the show after Dakota was eliminated, I still think we lost at least one great ep by chucking her out out and keeping Michaela in. And it wasn’t justice! That’s my main problem. Because her photo was average. She has a fine bod, which was all exposed, cool, well done etc, but her face was just a slightly more seductive version of her regular look, and her charity pitch was a total disaster. She referred to Africa as a country twice, and was entirely wooden and detached at delivery. The only redeeming feature was CMj’s curt dismissal of her idea with “what Africa needs is straightening irons”. Genius. She instead talked about “feeding small families” – again, not something Africa’s known for – and committed the ultimate reality TV sin by admitting she’d be happy just to make the top three. Ugh. Ursula rightly ripped her a new one, and now we have to enjoy a totally pointless episode where they eliminate her. Bo-ring. But once she’s gone we’ll have a finale with three very different, very strong candidates, and it will be totally amazing. Which is something to look forward to.

- Duncan

http://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F6087762%3Fsecret_token%3Ds-j4AsY&secret_url=false BALLS! 032 by Deadball

Due to time contraints we move ahead in this week’s NFL coverage: