…and while you’re down there, kiss Tennessee.
Kurt Warner in action. Try not to look at his crotch. I dare you.
Kurt Warner is 37 years old and is right now the best quarterback in the NFL. He is a height-challenged, bible-thumping dullard who seems to need his wife’s permission to piss, but you can’t argue with the guy on the field. 3,153 yards, 20 touchdowns, 7 interceptions, a passer rating of 105.5 for the season. You step out on the turf against him and he will cut your guts out with annoyingly calm efficiency. And he’s doing this on the ARIZONA FREAKING CARDINALS. The Cardinals may not be the worst team in the NFL right now (Hello Detroit!) but they are historically the worst franchise, and considering the ghost of Al Davis still runs the Oakland Raiders, that takes some doing.
Both these men have Superbowl rings as coaches:
Only one has legendary spittle.
Ok, so they have a good new coach (the Bill Cowher doppelganger Ken Whisenhunt above left) and two great young receivers in Larry Fitzgerald and Antoine Boldin. But this is Kurt Warner! A man whose incredible supermarket shelf-stacker to Superbowl winning QB story peaked in 1999 with the St Louis Rams. In Arizona he was only supposed to walk around with a clipboard, and occasionally sub for super-stud (in the ‘here’s-one-for-the-ladies’ sense, not the football sense) Matt Leinart.
Being a back-up QB is a pretty nice way to earn over a million dollars. Carry a clipboard, put on the uniform, nod along with the coach when he’s praising/abusing the guy who’s actually doing the job and stay the fuck out of the way. But Leinart sucked opening the season, so they gave Warner the ball, and ten years (a literal lifetime in the NFL) after The Greatest Show On Turf Kurt ain’t giving it back. Legend Brett Favre™, only a few months older, is an interception machine that only just scrapes wins. Kerry Collins, almost 36, recovering alcoholic, relies on the powerful Tennessee Titans running game, and uses mostly quick dump offs. Kurt is still slinging it long, and very very quick. He may well be one of the least interesting people in sport to have a beer with, but I’m rooting for him as a player. You should too.
Kurt and his wife:
Note you can’t see her other hand.
MATT LEINART to BABE: Baby, do you know I used to play on the same team as Reggie Bush?
BLOND ANGRY WOMAN: I thought this was a party for the St Louis Cardinals. I wanted me some Pujols. Dang.
ARIZONA – NEW YORK GIANTS
This week, the Cards play the defending Superbowl Champs, the New York Giants. The Giants are a VERY good football team right now, but go with Kurt and the boys. If the Giants win, then weirdly, this a statement game. It really means they can take on anybody.
TENNESSEE TITANS – NEW YORK JETS
I’ve always had a man crush on Titans coach Jeff Fisher. I have no idea why. Maybe its the moustache. Its like I want him to be MY coach. I want him to turn up at my house and tell me I’m cooking dinner badly (‘More oregano asshole! Your body position’s all wrong!’), that kind of thing. I know, weird huh? Anyhoo, he’s now the longest serving coach in the NFL, and the Titans are unbeaten this year. There’s a connection there somewhere. They face a Jets team that are like hooking yourself up to a defibrillator controlled by your ex-wife/girlfriend. The one that doesn’t like you. Just as you’re recovering from the last jolt, she zaps you again. She’s having a hell of a time but its killing you (literally). Well, Brett Favre will do that to you.
MIAMI DOLPHINS – NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
How good is it to have Miami back? Just makes you warm all over.
GAMES FROM HELL
DETROIT LIONS – TAMPA BAY BUCCANNERS
Actually this has some interest. If Detroit loses another 6 games, they will be the worst NFL team in history at 0-16 for a season. They will kind of share the honour with the 1976 Bucs who lost every game too (it was their first year in the league), but only played 14 games. Since then the Buccaneers have become a serious franchise, won a Superbowl, and the Glazers now also own Manchester United. Detroit, (owned by the Ford family) not so much. God this game will be awful.
Another excellent reason to support the Arizona Cardinals:
– Mark Tierney