Breaking News: Live Strong Swimmers

lance-tee

Lance Armstrong is out of retirement and already firing warning shots across bows ahead of his 2009 return to competitive cycling. In breaking news it’s been announced that Lance and his girlfriend Anna Hansen are expecting a child their first child together (Armstrong’s fourth). 

It’s no secret that Lance Armstrong has had a testicle surgically removed – and good on him, they’re the first target in a fight with a girl, and don’t get me started on the grooming – so it’s kind of remarkable to think that all of his children have been conceived post-lopping. 

Armstrong’s previous three children were conceived through in vitro fertilization with sperm frozen prior to Armstrong’s chemotherapy. I don’t understand in vitro – I mean, it sounds simple, but I saw Demolition Man, I know what happens when you mess with science. That said, one would have to assume the same can method was used for the new baby, right? 
WRONG. 

Apparently Lance’s latest was conceived the old fashioned way… if you know what I mean… I’m sure you do… here, maybe this visually disturbing image will help: 

lancearmstrong1hr2

I didn’t have the time or skill to remove the bike using photoshop and replace it with a Hansen, but use your imagination. 

I don’t know much about Lance Armstrong. I know he won the Tour de France seven straight times after beating testicular cancer, and that a lot of people think he cheated. But has he ever been given the credit he’s due for his exploits in the bedroom? The guy uses the Han Solo/carbonite freezing technique for fathering children, was engaged to Sheryl Crow for a while, hooked up with Kate Hudson, and actually dated Ashley Olsen! Like, he ACTUALLY DATED ASHLEY OLSEN… just think about that. Does it make any sense at all? No. The answer is definitely no. 

Now he’s impregnating with one testicle – which, according to minutes of google-based research is rare. The man is either the devil, or the greatest hero that we will ever know. 

Ashley Olsen:

– Justin

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3 Comments

Filed under Cycling, News

3 responses to “Breaking News: Live Strong Swimmers

  1. grader

    Deeply disturbing developments.

  2. Henry

    Something totally weirds me out about that whole Lance Armstrong/Owen Wilson/Matthew McConaughey triangle. No particular relevance, it’s just super creepy for some reason.

  3. kara

    Okay so Lance Armstrong is a one testicle baby making machine, but what about Ashley’s performance in that video? Pure skill. I think she deserves her own post.. Dancing is a sport. Isn’t it?

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