Recently, in an attempt at being a fair and honourable partner, I did my first session of Kundelini yoga.
Let’s just say it was an act of atonement for probable future sins. Most of it was cool. The exercises were simple but took real effort. The dancing and hugging was warm and real and fun. The 30 minute gong meditation rocked.
However, there was a whole boatload of singing. And the songs, one in particular, made me want to reach over to the next mat and rip someone’s throat out which may not have been the desired effect.
The sun shines on everyone (repeat x 100)
It doesn’t make choices
The rain falls on everyone (repeat x 100)
It doesn’t make choices
No shit it doesn’t make choices! We do! That’s the freaking point! We have free will, not the rain. If we want to get drunk and sleep with someone who may be the best friend or close relative of our current partner (possibly their mother) that’s our choice! Stop making us sing this inane song! I feel like I’m at a cross between a bad Wiggles gig and a Lamas class! Stop this! I am not finding inner peace! And I can’t get up and walk out because then not only will I not get credit for the effort so far, I will have to do something twice as big to make up for ‘being such an asshole that time at yoga’.
There were about 5 or 6 others in this vein. So, when you need to bank that relationship chit and she drops the yoga trip on you, just make sure its Ashtanga. Trust me.
This is the best weekend in the NFL season.
The Wild Card round pits the hungry teams, the ones who are only there through dint of luck and other people’s ineptitude (yes, we’re looking at you Philly and San Diego) and the even hungrier – the teams who are very very good but due to a single ball bounce or bad call didn’t manage to get a first round bye.
So, decent teams with everything to play for and two games on both Saturday and Sunday.
Eva Mendes in white panties bringing me beers and taco chips and this is my kind of Nirvana.
ATLANTA FALCONS v ARIZONA CARDINALS ( SKY ESPN Sun Jan 4 10.30am)
In Green Bay Aaron Rodgers had a tough job taking over from Brett Favre, but luckily Brett went and screwed up royally elsewhere so that helped.
The shadow that Matt Ryan has had to step into is much longer: Michael Vick is still burnishing his street cred in state prison in Virginia, and black Atlanta still wear his No 7 jersey like he’s a sporting Tupac.
Very slowly Ryan’s winning them over by winning, and a great playoff performance may complete the job.
He has the skills to do it, and happy-just-to-be-here Arizona are the perfect victims. This one should be over by halftime.
If its not Will Leitch may explode.
However, let’s get to the real battle, the one on the sidelines. Atlanta’s cheerleaders vs Arizona’s.
ATLANTA: Extra points for the angle of the photo. Not sure about the white butcher’s wellies.
ARIZONA: Nice, more of a fembot vibe. See Atlanta? Go go boots. Its not rocket science.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS v SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (SKY ESPN Sun Jan 4 2pm)
The quote at the top is from Jim Mora, who until 2001 was the enjoyably intense coach of the then pretty terrible Colts.
That seems a loooong time ago in Indianapolis. Tony Dungy and pitchman Peyton Manning have built one of the NFL’s best franchises in Indy, and they are currently on fire having won 9 games in a row.
San Diego meanwhile are unpredictable.
They have some studs in QB Philip Rivers and rookie runner Darren Sproles, but then they also have a weak offensive line, the ghost of LaDanian Tomlinson still in uniform and the comedy coaching stylings of Norv Turner.
They can be deadly, and they can be comatose. Well in this case it may not matter. Indianapolis are the best team in the NFL right now, and its a very brave man that bets against a healthy Peyton in any playoff game.
COLTS: LOVE the cowboy boots. A lot. Solid midwestern vibe.High number of blondes.
CHARGERS: Nice formation. More hot brunettes. They live in freaking San Diego, possibly the nicest small city on Earth, despite being a twin for Auckland.
WINNER: SD by a pom pom.
In our ongoing attempt to work our way through the Manning commercial oevre – this may take a while – here’s his latest Mastercard spot which cleverly plays up his straight arrow dorkiness and his AFC foes, including San Diego.
BALTIMORE RAVENS v MIAMI DOLPHINS (SKY SPORTS 1, Mon Jan 5 7am)
Ah, the game of the weekend.
Along with Atlanta, Baltimore and Miami will change the way NFL owners think about turning around losing teams.
The classic formula was to build patiently through the draft and low cost free agency over a number of years and maybe in 3-4 seasons you might have a playoff contender. The current Patriots were built that way.
Well these three teams took rookie coaches, rookie QBs from low ranked colleges (or an unwanted retread in Miami’s case) and went from last (Miami) or near last (Baltimore, Atlanta) last season to being three of the most dangerous teams in the NFL in a single year. If you currently own an NFL team in Ohio I’d pay attention to that.
Much has been made this week about Bill Parcells, architect of Miami’s historic turnaround, having an out clause (at full pay for 5 years) from the Dolphins due to an ownership change this week.
Two things: a) get Bill to negotiate your next pay rise. This man has never lost money on a contract, and b) if I owned a franchise I would hand over my youngest child to him if that got him in the door.
As for the game, its really all up to the Ravens’ QB Joe Flacco. If he’s on his game Baltimore have a great chance here. But my heart belongs to Miami.
BALTIMORE: Nice extention, and took the sneaker route.
MIAMI: Yep, this one was over before it began.
PHILEDELPHIA EAGLES v MINNESOTA VIKINGS (SKY SPORTS 1, Mon Jan 5 10am)
Last and kind of least.
A lot of people who know the Vikings a lot better than I do feel that this is a bad matchup for them. Me, I have faith that Philly will screw this up big time. It took a Large-Hadron-Collider-collapses-the-universe level of implosion by Tampa to even get them here.
I just think the Vikings deserve it more. Since when did that count in sports? Never. But I’m going with it.
MINNESOTA: Hmmm, they seem a friendly bunch. This is a photo of the ‘captains’ of the squad. A cheerleading squad needs 6 captains? They get extra points if they have that cute flat dipthong Minnesotan accent.
PHILEDELPHIA: A lot of people rank these girls very highly, mostly because of their calender.
My question? Who the hell buys calenders?? In 2009? And who would buy a cheerleaders calender? How many 14 year olds without the internet and garages still stuck in the 70’s are there??
WINNER: Vikings. Just because.
Hey Eva, andele with the freaking guacamole por favor!
– Mark Tierney