New Zealand's Next Top Model Power Rankings 7

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After the tumescent glory of the American excursion, it was inevitable that the return home would be a little limp. Sans the enervating foulness of Teryl-Leigh’s temperament, the show just drifted along, as if we were all in mourning for her cantankerous venom and general sense of bitter, brawling life. Without her it was just a bunch of schoolgirls running around and making little half-hearted jabs behind one another’s backs. Where was the bald-faced meanness? The low-voiced taunting? Where was the hate, dammit!

It was gone, and we were all a little flat as a result, but it was also in a sly way the most shocking episode thus far. What did we learn, children? Nikki Phillips told us what a Go See was, but to paraphrase Chelsea Handler, you don’t need an explanation when the definition’s in the name. But there was a further revelation, and to keep with the paraphrasing, should someone nuke us all, you can add Hosanna’s name to the list of those who’d survive a nuclear apocalypse, alongside cockroaches and Shivnarine Chanderpaul. The girl just stares blankly into certain doom every week and feeds off of its malevolent advances. She won this week. WON! I don’t know about you, but the other girls need to start getting properly scared of her about now, Ruby in particular.

1. (LW: 1) Christobelle

By the skin of her pretty, perfect Dio teeth goes she. After wearing the wrong gruts and taking a tumble in front of the sprawling menopausal matriarch of the New Zealand fashion scene, Trelise Cooper, C-Belle could easily have fallen apart. Instead, like Chumbawamba implored all those summers ago, she got back up again, and wowed Huffer with her legs and charm. The girl remains the obvious choice for the overall win, one who could easily work in the industry (the first champ can’t be a sentimental fave figurehead, which is why, much as I love her, Rubes is making up the numbers) with her slender frame and slightly sleepy eyes (you need a hook like that these days). But the chatter about the make-up she plasters on is rising, when she needs everyone to be focusing on her pins, which is a worry, albeit possibly a contrived one. Regardless, she needs to bring her A game every week from now on, even when on a motherf***in’ boat. Because sharks are circling, kiddo, and the biggest of the lot is now directly underneath her.

2. (LW: 5) Hosanna
Seriously, I thought long and hard before keeping her off the top. She had a stupendous week, all the more incredible given how badly she bombed in the US, and Hosanna appears to be thriving on the bile. Was it pure hunger to prove TL (“she’ll be going home next week”) wrong? Or something deeper – that desperation which has thrust her beyond her natural limits every episode? Whatever it is, the mad scramble between prosaic locations (how depressing was it seeing Parnell Rise and Fanshawe St sub in for Sunset Boulevard and Mulholland Drive?), with her looking drunk on the moment, never showed through in her Go Sees. She sailed through them for the most part, composed and elegant, safe in the knowledge she had nude undies on. It’s the little things you know, and when she realised one little bit of model nerdery was going to pay back in spades (Trelise even called her a “beautiful model”!!!) that day it pushed her to a scarily good performance, culminating in a shot which deserved its win. Because, let’s face it, Hosanna lives in the mid-’80s, and as poorly conceived and executed as that shoot was, The Hose made the most of it.

3. (LW: 2) Laura

So Laura really is in a hole. Until this week I half-suspected I was manufacturing her woes, subconsciously projecting my annoyance at the organiser’s tooth-fixing (match fixing? If modeling was an Olympic sport – and it should be – machinations of this nature would be outlawed) onto the poor girl. But this week proved irrevocably that she’s got a proper chip on her shoulder, seeming genuinely miffed about the Hose’s win in the Go See’s, and letting all that tremulous petulance show through in a truly abysmal photo. How does a model with her asymetrical hair tank in a Duran Duran-themed shoot? Seriously, the most mystifying non-performance of the event so far, and one which suggests Cb could do this at a canter. You know, this shit’s gotten to the point where I almost want that hellspawn Hosanna to win, just to show these entitled city kids what that raw will trumps natural good looks any day. But Laura is safely in the bunch, and unlikely to be eliminated before the final, so she has a sliver of time to get over herself and resurrect a once-promising bid for immortality.

4. (LW: 3) Ruby

The one-time front-runner is slipping faster than she knows. Complacency’s a bitch, huh Rubes? Maybe it’s because she’s already mentally moved on to her inevitable career as a TV presenter. Someone needs to confirm that C4 rumour, because I have to know where my next Ruby fix is coming from, when she gets the inevitable gong. I can already picture her nonplussed ambivalence in her final interview. She just knows that this is a footnote on her pathway to stardom. Ruby is just that amazing, New Zealand, and we need to officially acknowledge that in some way. Is it too soon to call for a national holiday in her honour? Queen’s Birthday’s coming up, and no one cares about that, right? Think about, that’s all I ask.
She was the most lively of the suddenly tight foursome who bandied together to beat Hosanna, gamely trying to drown the rat, but giving up, probably through disinterest as much as anything. She’s down in the basement, though, because she had a big fat fail at the Go Sees, principally due to wearing flats and a scarf to them… Which just made her look glamourous and nonchalant to me. Anna Fitzpatrick though, turned full-on bitch mode, and went to town on her, and that bled into all her meetings… Even though she looked like an Amazonian princess at Huffer they panned her (probably got some Saramail to that effect) and plumped for Chrisobelle and Laura. She did recover for a photo which was pretty amazing, all distant, mysterious, unattainable – Atip (who really missed the mid-’80s mark I thought) said she was the best so far – but it wasn’t enough to recover from her horror show at the designers. Next week she’ll either hammer the competition or bow out. There is no middle ground with this girl.

– Duncan

PS – Other things that happened this week: Colin very sweetly turned down my request for the matchless honour of Facebook friendship, because, as you can imagine, it’s getting out of control. He’s by far the finest judge on the show, wit, poise, and a thousand yard stare which completely disarms the models while being entirely inscrutable at the same time. Sisarich has disappeared into the background, Sara never really figured out whether she’s camp mother or an ice queen… But CMJ has been superb every week. One day we’ll be virtual friends, and it will be the proudest moment in my news feed’s life… Amelia Hunt gave us her second lifetime model sighting, Victoria (how nuts is it that this is the first mention of the eliminated in this week’s column? She just went out that limply – the way Ruby tipped that bucket of water on her with a resigned shrug kinda summed the week up for her) going down as she went up on the escaltors at the Rialto in Newmarket – V’s spiritual home. She was wearing a t-shirt with tights, so the exhibitionist in her is fusing with last season’s trends, a toxic mix… And I’ve got to give credit to commenter Lucy’s sleuthing on TL, who’s apparently going to join the legal profession, so she can get a house like the Top Model one. I, for one, would certainly launch some spurious case for the privilege and sexy honour of sitting in the same courtroom as the Otara firebrand… One last thing: how limp and forlorn does the chorus of ‘Saramail’ sound now? The joy was gone this week… OK, I should give the last word to Victoria, whose closing quote was as impeccable as her tenure was bizarre:

“I just hope that the girl that beats me is so intelligent… That’s why I can’t believe Hosanna beat me!”

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14 Comments

Filed under Fandom, News

14 responses to “New Zealand's Next Top Model Power Rankings 7

  1. C-belle deserves her top ranking alone for her surprise that Michael Hill could afford a big, shiny yacht. ooo burn.

    laura is being framed up as a massive choker; Atip made her look straight-up hideous and she couldn’t work it so you can’t really blame her though.

    Do you reckon all the fashion houses who all co-signed on Hosanna are embarrassed now because she’d already stunk up LA?

  2. I thought that this week all the girls paled next to the beautiful Trelise who was fantastic! So nice to them all that they were really crushed when she didn’t want to book them, brilliant!
    And when chris was trying to explain the concept of the shoot as robert palmeresque and all the girls just looked really blank because they weren’t even alive then so how would they know what he’s on about?
    also last week in women’s day or weekly or one of those mags there was a feature on Lucy and Olivia (remember them?) and what a great relationship they have, seriously I’m getting too emotionally involved, once this is over there is going to be a huge NZNTM shaped hole inside me, please please let them show Aus NTM as a replacement

  3. WHY do you guys keep covering this shite here?

    I thought this was a sports site…

  4. Oh Richard, Richard, Richard…

  5. In total agreement with the previous post. As compelling as competitive modelling might be, it is not sport…

  6. Duncan

    OK I have to weigh in here. If poker is a sport and darts is a sport and synchronised swimming’s a sport and dressage is a sport, then competitive modeling and cooking and dreamhoming are sports too. Plus there’s still plenty of sports coverage…
    And it’s kinda simple: if you’re not into it, don’t read it. Seeing as the competitive modeling posts outrate regular sports posts by some ratio, it seems there are more people disagreeing w/ rich & mark than agreeing.
    But really, the whole point of this site is to provide stuff you’re not getting elsewhere. If that means treating reality tv as if it’s high level sports, then so be it.
    Plus, it’s our site, if we want to write exclusively about seed spittin and cheese chasing or classic snooker matches from the ’30s, then we will. So there.

  7. Duncan

    @ Carrie & Lucy – That Cbelle comment was cutting as huh? And as the scion of a pair of monied families, she should know how to spot wealth. Hasn’t she seen MHJ’s private golf course?
    I’m pleased the dunners sisters are in love again. Was pretty rough the way they were pitted against one another I felt, and got old kinda quickly.
    I personally think they should just have a two month off season, bring in three new models (who could maybe do promotion/relegation against Sarah, Tiffany etc) and we’ll do it all again. That way TL and Rubes could work on their ‘shape’ in the off season and the whole thing could move even closer to pro sports. Which might make Mark and Rich happier. Or angrier. I dunno.

  8. i usually switch channels if espn shows poker. would definitely watch iron chef america over that. but some of the table tennis on espn is good to watch. anyway, if you go to workshop.co.nz and navigate your way to the winter 08 fashion show, you’ll see 2 nzntm also-rans doing work.

  9. Touchez. Am looking forward to the seed spitting post though.

  10. @ Duncan – maybe they could kick the next “cycle” off with an all-day “NZNTM draft” with the worst judge (i.e. Chris) choosing his favoured finalist first….

  11. Duncan

    @carrie: that would be incredible… Then thye could manage their picks as an ‘agency’ with them having say five each in their stable, prepping them for various shoots etc. Could have a league table. Basically just make the show even more perfect for DB than it already is. Colin, if you’re reading…

  12. Fair enough, it’s your site – and I’ve already taken your advice Duncs and haven’t read any of this stuff; just expressing my desire for actual sports coverage. And no, those games (poker, darts, synchronised swimming, dressage) aren’t sport. Neither is chess, spelling, or Scrabble (much as I like those last two personally). I’d argue the line ends at horses: racing them is sport, making them prance and pout isn’t. Just like modelling.
    But love the site, just want more sport!
    cheers,
    RW

  13. meant to say before but WHAT is Laura wearing in that photo?! horrific

  14. Sam

    Fuck is it just me or does this blog just keep getting better? “Sprawling Menopausal Matriarch”? Holy shit! I clicked all your goddamn google ads to say thanks for the giggles. Superb Mr Greive, superb.

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