New Zealand's Next Top Model Power Rankings 8

Christobelle, Ruby and Laura look adoringly and respectfully at their friend and mentor, Hosanna

“She’s nuts. She’s insane. She’s crazy.” – Laura.

And now she’s in the final. You have to hand it to the girl. Hosanna’s had a sea of doubters from the start, and only weird teenage boys who’ve looked too hard at too many surfing magazines (if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, I mean masturbated over the Quicksilver and Rip Curl ads in surfing magazines. OK? That’s what I mean) think she’s remotely attractive. And she’s left our darling Ruby, the people’s champ, in her dust. For those who’ve forgotten/intentionally-deleted-such-information-from-their-memory, this is what the two ‘models’ look like side-by-side.

The beautiful and entirely sane HosannaRuby, a pretty girl, but not nearly so pretty as Hosanna

Thankfully the judges spared us the embarassment of having a minger like Ruby in the final, and instead we can feast our eyes on that magnificent example of the female of the species this Friday.

In all fairness, this week Hosanna was not the fourth-best model. That would be Laura, who for the second week running limped through the episode sulking and snarking, and was somehow spared the axe. You get the strong feeling that the twin imperatives of the show are in conflict here. Because she’s clearly at least the second best model on the show, but equally clearly not amongst the three best Top Models. So she gets to stay because the fashion end of this wants a usable champion, Hosanna stays because she pulled out some huge performances based on a brain which is programmed perfectly for this one thing alone. Ruby loses out, though as predicted she hardly cared. It will be a fantastic final, and infinitely better TV because The Hose™ will be there to make it so, but were it not for the certainty that we’ll see more of Ruby I’d be a lot sadder than I am. A-nyway.

1. (Last Week: 1) Christobelle

She had the worst photo of a very strong week of images. Atip, who I thought was just ridiculous last week, redeemed himself with the cyborg-warrior-princess feel in the ring, and Christobelle’s Mad Max post-apocalyptic outfit was the best of the bunch. Unfortunately, perhaps distracted by her looming Nivea feature (what an amazing prize! A no-pay shoot in a old lady magazine! Lucky!), she never got her head into the shoot, was limp and posed where the other girls leapt (sometimes too ferociously – I’m looking at you Hosanna/Laura) into the fight with real abandon. But there was a reason she won the Nivea challenge, and that was because she was the only remotely decent performer in that segment, which saw Ruby babble cutely but nonsensically when she should’ve just destroyed it. So she gets a pass, and a first ranking here, more through the other girl’s abdication than through any dominating performance of her own. She was as average as everyone else with Wendyl Nissen’s risible ‘media training’ segment, but I felt that was as much due to Nissen’s bizarre showboating as anything else. Maybe that journalist-as-starmaker attitude flew in the ’80s when there were like two magazines and a radio station in the whole country, but just check the scramble for models across any different platform you care to pick right now… The game’s changed, lady, and you’re teaching them the old rules. With Ruby’s departure Christobelle becomes both the new people’s champ and the overwhelming bookie’s fave for the title, and as the Hastings’ gem (see what I did there? RUBBISH) was the most similar to her strength-wise, she should romp home in the final.

2. (LW: 2) Hosanna

Where do you start with this one? Without Teryl-Leigh to push against she’s running free and rampant on the show now, unafraid to reveal her deepest, strangest secrets to the nation. Exhibit A: “I don’t do much with my skin, just wash it in the shower with some soap.” What does that even mean? She obviously doesn’t actually do that; guys don’t even do that any more and anyone as OBSESSED with modeling as she is would have an intense-as skincare regimen that would not involve soap. So I guess she said it to mess with the competition, to make them think that she’s just a natural. But it just made them think she’s crazy. Which, ultimately probably works in her favour too. Christobelle will not be remotely troubled by Laura, who has completely psyched herself out of this, but Hosanna? She can certainly imagine waking up in the dead of night just prior to the final with H snipping busily at her hair. Admit it, so can you. That’s a pretty powerful advantage for Hose going into the final. Exhibit B: That extraordinary performance at the Nivea audition, which started with a great intro, before spiralling into disaster and ruin, with talk of skin “burnt by acid”, of women stinking of alcohol. That they awarded her second in the challenge was frankly bizarre; by the end I can imagine the judges and camera people slinking quietly out of the room as she worked up into that frenzy. You could almost love the mad old bint, she is never less than EXTREMELY entertaining. Plus the way she Single White Female-d Laura’s jumping (more on that shortly) was amazing, so brazen and shameless you get the feeling she thought it was ‘genius’, that no one would ever suspect her fiendish plan. The best part was she somehow made it work for her.

3. (LW: 3) Laura

My personal feeling is that she shoulda been eliminated. And not just because I love Ruby, but because I love justice and the rule of law. Let’s work through this. Firstly, the media session. She was blindsided by the DIC thing, Wendyl (what kind of a name is f***ing Wendyl? No wonder she hates Christobelle and Ruby, being saddled with that stinker all her life) overplayed it, but she did seem pretty surprised (and really shouldn’t have been) when it was raised. But no one came out of that looking good, so call it a draw, right? Then the Nivea thing, which she was a distant fourth in by the judges reckoning. Then we have the shoot, out of which she turned in one great photo, but one that was at best equal with Hosanna and Ruby’s – truly they all turned in inseperably first rate shots. So how did Rubes get the gong? Producers and industry BS called that in her favour. But whatevs, she’s in the final now, and as much as she’s (literally) a pale imitation of Teryl-Leigh, it was good to see some open hostility back in the arena. And she does do a good line in catty pieces to camera: “She just stood there with that stupid grin” & “I don’t like Hosanna. I really don’t like her”, along with the quote that opens this installment, and that’s just those I wrote down. But she lacks the feral intensity of TL’s passionate loathing, hers seems more injured, beseeching us to agree with her. What she really did this episode though, was take Van Halen’s advice and jump. And jump, and jump and jump. And it wasn’t working, it was clearly a disaster, no one thought it was working, yet she kept bouncing up and down. Poor girl really is going to pieces under the vacant gaze of Hosanna. Oh damn, I nearly forgot her admission that she met her boyfriend at Pizza Hut Parapraram. That’s a top ten moment of the series for sure. If only she embraced that gumby thing, just ran with it, maybe she’d be a contender. As it is they fixed her tooth and convinced her she was our Agnes Deyn and she sorta fell apart attempting to reach for that vibe. When ultimately, it’s just not in her. She’s the chili eatin’, Pizza Hut meetin’ hick from the ‘burbs, and no way they can make her an It Girl. So she just agonises and doubts and gets jealous of someone as ultimately irrelevant as Hosanna while letting Christobelle romp away with the crown. Oh well.

– Duncan

PS: Ruby dropped Laura in the bad skin box before she left, which is more good news for Cbelle, who can’t be maligned for that anymore… Colin had another outrageous week: ” I murder people”?! I half believe him. Plus when Sara said re: Hosanna “she is just a shining example of…” waiting for someone to say ‘dedication’ or something equally limp CMJ chimed in with “CRAZINESS”. Gold… Anyone else notice that weird ’80s R&B they played when H walked up the catwalk to the judges? Kinda sleazy and odd. I liked it. Plus the whole revelation regarding her ahletic past was pretty good, she definitely has a will-to-win that might come from a sporting past… That plus Monty Betham should make those NZNTM-hating ‘sports’ fans think pretty hard huh? Or not. And how comforting was it to see that casting call for season two at the end? Very comforting, IMHO.

HEY if there’s demand I’m thinking about liveblogging the finale, w. full audience participation. Should be fun, I reckon.

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “New Zealand's Next Top Model Power Rankings 8

  1. I’m happy to say that I can now die happy as today I was graced with the presence of not just Rebecca Rose but Victoria, RUBY (!!!), Otara’s favourite daughter, Teryl Leigh AND her offspring!!! Third World hunger ceased and the angels sang as the four came into my work for a coffee and a catch-up. In-case you were wondering, Victoria and RR ordered Hot Chocolates while TL and ruby stuck to Trim Lattes (“it’s the healthier choice”). I also put a bit of extra chocolate in Victoria’s coz girlfriend has a touch o the nicole-ritchie -circa-2005’s about her.

  2. And yes – not only you should totally set up a live blog for the finale but also get Henry to set up a TV and betting system at DOC on Friday night.

  3. Henry

    We tried and failed to get reception in D.O.C for the Elections last year (the GObama ones, not the Nats at SkyCity ones). I might try something else out during the week as it really would be a spectacle that would go well with a little alcohol and gambling involved.
    What would be the perfect drink? A Cosmopolitan maybe? or a Supermodel (white rum and diet Coke)? What would be the odds? I’d say around $1.20 for Chistobelle, $1.75 for Laura and $3.50 for The Hose. Think about it.

    How about how weird (or completely not weird and totally orchestrated) it was how they handled the whole DUI thing (“I’m a criminal!”) Amber thinks the show is getting it out there/controlling the story because Laura’s the winner and it’d be a bad look if it was all over the Sunday newspaper magazines. Add to that the investment in her teeth. Maybe.

  4. Well, in an ** update** one of my flatmates just told me that a friend of hers made it into the final twenty or so and was informed that the winner had already been picked. Apparently, to make it into the final 13, contestants had to be willing to sign and contract kind play along with the whole thing. This isn’t validated at all but kinda makes sense considering that the Hose is still in over the likes of Victoria. A good friend of mine also worked on AUS ntm and can confirm the whole thing there is completely rigged in favour of ratings.
    That said, Henry – hook it up!

  5. Sorry, I’m that excited that I’m failing in basic blog-standard English. The sentence should read – Apparently, to make it into the final 13, contestants had to be willing to sign a contract and kind of play along with the whole thing

  6. Tom

    I cannot handle Laura’s voice, it’s like she’s receiving a voiceover provided by a particularly toxic flatmate from yesteryear.

  7. Alex

    I stumbled across this NZNTM power rankings series today and have just finished reading them all. I would like to say, AWESOME. So well written, observant, and clever.

    As a 23 year old straight male, there aren’t many people I know who watch this show (or admit to watching it). So I’ve had to go online to find worthwhile discussion, which has paid off with this site and a handful of others.

    I’d be happy with a Christobelle or Laura win, but even more happy if I knew that Ruby will appear on TV regularly again! Like the rest of the nation, I have totally fallen for her.

    Great job Duncan. I shall eagerly await your power rankings for Cycle 2.

  8. Katie – how do i get to work on NZNTM or Aus NTM? – that is my ultimate dream job!!
    I thought it was hilarious when hose was asked about her previous sporting success and she said that with the success came the limelight, like she is some kind of major sports star (though maybe she is, i really wouldn’t know)

    And i totally agree with the comment about laura’s voice – so whiney – it is even worse than Christobelles’s weekly “hgaigh” at the judges as she steps forward for her assessment

  9. For sure, do the live blog on friday night! I must say I look forward to this weekly run down of NZNTM and always have a wee chuckle to myself. Recently our TV broke and its the only hour of telly in the week that I simply MUST go and watch at a friend’s house, big night this friday, I’ll have to talk someone in wellington into having a finale TV party, if I was in Ak I’d definitely be at DOC!

  10. Another Colin gem was after The Hose walked up for judging, and Sara commented about said Hose’s hair and outfit similarities to her. I don’t have replayable access to the entire quote, but I think it may have just been: “twins!” Whatever the exact words, it was magic television.

    On a personal note, I am absolutely fouling my briefs with anticipation for this week’s final.

  11. Also! Was chuffed at my first in-the-flesh contestant sighting of Victoria at downtown meat market joint Cassette Number Nine, enjoying dancing and the affections of a number of handsome male admirers.

  12. I ‘m supporting the Hose. That smug, delighted, sucks-to-be -you look she gave when TL got the heave is a series highlight – in fact it’s one of the best things ever. Does it really matter that she doesn’t know what an eggplant is? Not to me.
    Go the dim-wit!

    But I’d also take some of that $1.75 on the albino ectomorph. She’s been dragged through by Sara and I predict she’ll step up Friday night.

    Cbelle’s got no more to give. She’ll trip over the weight of favouritism – hopefully with a little help from the Hose.

  13. Duncan

    Wow. Comments explosion. You’re all amazing. So the liveblog is definitely on, will be simulcast on realgroove.co.nz and deadball (though obvs you should read it here) with contributions from some RG writers plus anyone from DB who can operate a TV and laptop at the same time.
    Have heard thru the rumor grapevine that the winner only found out who she was this week… Though I like Amber’s conspiracy theory because, well, I like conspiracy theories. I’m watching Kenny Powell pitch to Reggie MacWorthy on ep five of Eastbound & Down right now at Ashley Schaffer BMW. I can only hope that the finale is as ridiculous.
    See you all at 7.30pm. THIS IS HISTORY/SPARTA/OUR NOW.

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