“She’s nuts. She’s insane. She’s crazy.” – Laura.
And now she’s in the final. You have to hand it to the girl. Hosanna’s had a sea of doubters from the start, and only weird teenage boys who’ve looked too hard at too many surfing magazines (if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, I mean masturbated over the Quicksilver and Rip Curl ads in surfing magazines. OK? That’s what I mean) think she’s remotely attractive. And she’s left our darling Ruby, the people’s champ, in her dust. For those who’ve forgotten/intentionally-deleted-such-information-from-their-memory, this is what the two ‘models’ look like side-by-side.
Thankfully the judges spared us the embarassment of having a minger like Ruby in the final, and instead we can feast our eyes on that magnificent example of the female of the species this Friday.
In all fairness, this week Hosanna was not the fourth-best model. That would be Laura, who for the second week running limped through the episode sulking and snarking, and was somehow spared the axe. You get the strong feeling that the twin imperatives of the show are in conflict here. Because she’s clearly at least the second best model on the show, but equally clearly not amongst the three best Top Models. So she gets to stay because the fashion end of this wants a usable champion, Hosanna stays because she pulled out some huge performances based on a brain which is programmed perfectly for this one thing alone. Ruby loses out, though as predicted she hardly cared. It will be a fantastic final, and infinitely better TV because The Hose™ will be there to make it so, but were it not for the certainty that we’ll see more of Ruby I’d be a lot sadder than I am. A-nyway.
1. (Last Week: 1) Christobelle
She had the worst photo of a very strong week of images. Atip, who I thought was just ridiculous last week, redeemed himself with the cyborg-warrior-princess feel in the ring, and Christobelle’s Mad Max post-apocalyptic outfit was the best of the bunch. Unfortunately, perhaps distracted by her looming Nivea feature (what an amazing prize! A no-pay shoot in a old lady magazine! Lucky!), she never got her head into the shoot, was limp and posed where the other girls leapt (sometimes too ferociously – I’m looking at you Hosanna/Laura) into the fight with real abandon. But there was a reason she won the Nivea challenge, and that was because she was the only remotely decent performer in that segment, which saw Ruby babble cutely but nonsensically when she should’ve just destroyed it. So she gets a pass, and a first ranking here, more through the other girl’s abdication than through any dominating performance of her own. She was as average as everyone else with Wendyl Nissen’s risible ‘media training’ segment, but I felt that was as much due to Nissen’s bizarre showboating as anything else. Maybe that journalist-as-starmaker attitude flew in the ’80s when there were like two magazines and a radio station in the whole country, but just check the scramble for models across any different platform you care to pick right now… The game’s changed, lady, and you’re teaching them the old rules. With Ruby’s departure Christobelle becomes both the new people’s champ and the overwhelming bookie’s fave for the title, and as the Hastings’ gem (see what I did there? RUBBISH) was the most similar to her strength-wise, she should romp home in the final.
2. (LW: 2) Hosanna
Where do you start with this one? Without Teryl-Leigh to push against she’s running free and rampant on the show now, unafraid to reveal her deepest, strangest secrets to the nation. Exhibit A: “I don’t do much with my skin, just wash it in the shower with some soap.” What does that even mean? She obviously doesn’t actually do that; guys don’t even do that any more and anyone as OBSESSED with modeling as she is would have an intense-as skincare regimen that would not involve soap. So I guess she said it to mess with the competition, to make them think that she’s just a natural. But it just made them think she’s crazy. Which, ultimately probably works in her favour too. Christobelle will not be remotely troubled by Laura, who has completely psyched herself out of this, but Hosanna? She can certainly imagine waking up in the dead of night just prior to the final with H snipping busily at her hair. Admit it, so can you. That’s a pretty powerful advantage for Hose going into the final. Exhibit B: That extraordinary performance at the Nivea audition, which started with a great intro, before spiralling into disaster and ruin, with talk of skin “burnt by acid”, of women stinking of alcohol. That they awarded her second in the challenge was frankly bizarre; by the end I can imagine the judges and camera people slinking quietly out of the room as she worked up into that frenzy. You could almost love the mad old bint, she is never less than EXTREMELY entertaining. Plus the way she Single White Female-d Laura’s jumping (more on that shortly) was amazing, so brazen and shameless you get the feeling she thought it was ‘genius’, that no one would ever suspect her fiendish plan. The best part was she somehow made it work for her.
3. (LW: 3) Laura
My personal feeling is that she shoulda been eliminated. And not just because I love Ruby, but because I love justice and the rule of law. Let’s work through this. Firstly, the media session. She was blindsided by the DIC thing, Wendyl (what kind of a name is f***ing Wendyl? No wonder she hates Christobelle and Ruby, being saddled with that stinker all her life) overplayed it, but she did seem pretty surprised (and really shouldn’t have been) when it was raised. But no one came out of that looking good, so call it a draw, right? Then the Nivea thing, which she was a distant fourth in by the judges reckoning. Then we have the shoot, out of which she turned in one great photo, but one that was at best equal with Hosanna and Ruby’s – truly they all turned in inseperably first rate shots. So how did Rubes get the gong? Producers and industry BS called that in her favour. But whatevs, she’s in the final now, and as much as she’s (literally) a pale imitation of Teryl-Leigh, it was good to see some open hostility back in the arena. And she does do a good line in catty pieces to camera: “She just stood there with that stupid grin” & “I don’t like Hosanna. I really don’t like her”, along with the quote that opens this installment, and that’s just those I wrote down. But she lacks the feral intensity of TL’s passionate loathing, hers seems more injured, beseeching us to agree with her. What she really did this episode though, was take Van Halen’s advice and jump. And jump, and jump and jump. And it wasn’t working, it was clearly a disaster, no one thought it was working, yet she kept bouncing up and down. Poor girl really is going to pieces under the vacant gaze of Hosanna. Oh damn, I nearly forgot her admission that she met her boyfriend at Pizza Hut Parapraram. That’s a top ten moment of the series for sure. If only she embraced that gumby thing, just ran with it, maybe she’d be a contender. As it is they fixed her tooth and convinced her she was our Agnes Deyn and she sorta fell apart attempting to reach for that vibe. When ultimately, it’s just not in her. She’s the chili eatin’, Pizza Hut meetin’ hick from the ‘burbs, and no way they can make her an It Girl. So she just agonises and doubts and gets jealous of someone as ultimately irrelevant as Hosanna while letting Christobelle romp away with the crown. Oh well.
PS: Ruby dropped Laura in the bad skin box before she left, which is more good news for Cbelle, who can’t be maligned for that anymore… Colin had another outrageous week: ” I murder people”?! I half believe him. Plus when Sara said re: Hosanna “she is just a shining example of…” waiting for someone to say ‘dedication’ or something equally limp CMJ chimed in with “CRAZINESS”. Gold… Anyone else notice that weird ’80s R&B they played when H walked up the catwalk to the judges? Kinda sleazy and odd. I liked it. Plus the whole revelation regarding her ahletic past was pretty good, she definitely has a will-to-win that might come from a sporting past… That plus Monty Betham should make those NZNTM-hating ‘sports’ fans think pretty hard huh? Or not. And how comforting was it to see that casting call for season two at the end? Very comforting, IMHO.
HEY if there’s demand I’m thinking about liveblogging the finale, w. full audience participation. Should be fun, I reckon.